Guilt

I have been living in the comfort of my inheritance. I've not been working to bear my own expenses, as I've been eating, living, lazing and idling at the expense of my mother's money...
The fruits of my mother's labour. The culmination of the hard work which she put in everyday...

Ever since I lost the LKCSP, I've been a bitter man. I've hated SMU and Singapore for its political positions and all the stereotypical thoughts connected with it. I lost it in Nov 2006, and it has been more than two and a half years. Yet, I still hold angry and selfish thoughts towards it. I'm angry at how afraid these "scholars" and "intelligent people" are, how I should be given a better chance because I know that I'm better and wiser than them...

I've been dreaming more than doing. I was afraid that being in SMU for 4 yrs studying for two degrees was going to rob me of it. I quarrelled with Prof Ong Siow Heng over the scholars' behaviors. I can't even remember what happened exactly...

After losing the scholarship, I wanted to get out of the country to study in another place where I could express myself without having to worry about what other people think. I keep thinking that my dad wanted to keep me back in the country. I hate this country and the possible agenda of the govt.

Everyday, I see everyone working hard and I'm not working as hard as I should. The roadsweeper, restaurant assistants, noodle seller, students, office workers...

How to overcome the temptation of the flesh

I feel that the answer from Brother Giles is very much like the one that Jesus said, to cut off the arm or dig out the eye that tempts us. No questions asked, but in acknowledging that the flesh is weak, we do not attempt to fight the temptation in our own pride.

Quote below:

"Brother Juniper, I hold with thee; for there is no surer way of overcoming this enemy than flight; inasmuch as he attacks us within by means of the traitor appetite, and without through our bodily senses; and so by flight alone can this masterful foe be overcome. And he who resists it in any other way, after all the toil of the conflict, rarely comes off victorious. Fly, then, from this vice, and thou shalt gain the victory."

Brother Giles from the Little Flowers of St. Francis Assisi.

How it reminds me to never give up, even in the very, very, last moment.

Today's successes

1. reestablished my blog
2. made my list of Goals for 2009
3. gained confidence in myself to work harder in school and for myself

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.

Nathaniel Hawthorne
US author (1804 - 1864)