Beliefs
Success = Perfect results
Failure = not reaching my goals
Success = Perfect results
Failure = not reaching my goals
good side: managed to obtain COMerit after years. more or less consistent results.
however, it was also because of this thinking that gave me my downfall in Finland during my last semester.
feedback side: because i wanted things to be Perfect, i was so beaten down by the fact that i couldnt be first all the way since year 1. i lost that position to Gilbert and i hated myself for it.
over time, i felt that my chances to be 'Perfect' was lessened and i just got depressed everytime i thought about it. such that when it came to last minute revisions, i just wanted to completely escape from the actual exam, because if i didnt take it, then i wouldnt lose marks from not studying completely.
::if i didnt fail, then i wouldnt feel the effect of feeling like a failure for not "Perfectly" reaching my goals.::
same thing in finland, i didnt do my monthly report on time, leading all the way to my final report. in the end, not A SINGLE report was submitted. fortunately, my lecturer was graceful enough to give me a B instead of an F, otherwise i wouldnt be in SMU now. thanks to im and God.
however, not facing my values and beliefs, i continued to think that way, and it continued to impact me all the way in the army and the first 6 weeks in SMU....
[army: unable to become officer (Perfect result), so demoralized and depressed throughout NS life.
smu: so afraid to fail being no. 1 again, did not even attempt to open book to study. afraid to understand "Perfectly" on the 1st try. afraid its too "difficult"]
... until now.
going through POE1 and after much much much self-examination of myself and digging out my self-awareness (about 3 days of re-examining and redefining my values)
i have re-evaluated my values n here they are:
success: working towards my goals.
failure: giving up
failure: giving up
as long as i stay on track towards my goals, i'll always feel successful right? as long as i dont give up despite setbacks, i'll never fail!
still, in these 6 weeks in smu, i have still been hiding from reality by not executing my plans. in fact, i have been planning them so i could put the 'burden' away from my mind in an organised way! i was still escaping like in finland and np!
today, during LTB, didnt prep my mock presentation for my training class on Sat. so embarrassed, depressed and frustrated in front of group mates for... about 1 hr 15mins! partially took too long for reframing values, but more importantly because i did not take action for fearing that i wont understand what i'm doing and failing in the course of doing it -> FAILING to achieve my SUCCESS.
what happened?
old belief of failure as not perfectly reaching my goals in terms of time and accuracy still roaching me. afraid to fail. afraid too difficult to understand and too late to revise everything. although i overhauled my old beliefs, i didnt set my foot out to execute the actions.
why?
technical: didnt emotionally charge my new values yet. how do i feel if i were no. 1? how do i feel if i were to lost out to another person? my classmates? smu year 1 students?
belief that life has to be absolutely perfect according to my plan or it is not worth being happy about. learnt from Adam that:
still, in these 6 weeks in smu, i have still been hiding from reality by not executing my plans. in fact, i have been planning them so i could put the 'burden' away from my mind in an organised way! i was still escaping like in finland and np!
today, during LTB, didnt prep my mock presentation for my training class on Sat. so embarrassed, depressed and frustrated in front of group mates for... about 1 hr 15mins! partially took too long for reframing values, but more importantly because i did not take action for fearing that i wont understand what i'm doing and failing in the course of doing it -> FAILING to achieve my SUCCESS.
what happened?
old belief of failure as not perfectly reaching my goals in terms of time and accuracy still roaching me. afraid to fail. afraid too difficult to understand and too late to revise everything. although i overhauled my old beliefs, i didnt set my foot out to execute the actions.
why?
technical: didnt emotionally charge my new values yet. how do i feel if i were no. 1? how do i feel if i were to lost out to another person? my classmates? smu year 1 students?
belief that life has to be absolutely perfect according to my plan or it is not worth being happy about. learnt from Adam that:
" life cannot be perfect, but it can be CLOSE to perfect if you commit yourself to it"
isnt that great? even if i'm not no. 1 at the end of yr 1, i would be happy to be no. 2, 3, 4 or 5 right? its better than not setting goals at all and hoping to score high marks (vague!)?
ya!
the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to obtain feedback from this result (not acheving no. 1 status because of...) and asking myself how i came about to make this mistake and how can i change this part of my studying strategy so that im closer to my goals in the next term!
ya!
the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to obtain feedback from this result (not acheving no. 1 status because of...) and asking myself how i came about to make this mistake and how can i change this part of my studying strategy so that im closer to my goals in the next term!
- modifying my strategy from my feedback of not obtain no. 1 status! -
this entry is a reflection of how i feel. now, i MUST put into action in my plans towards my goals, because if i dont (potential pain), then i will feel Regretful, Stressed, Tired to move on with life, a little Rejected by peers (and LKCSP?!), Failed, Inferior and Uncertain about life! All in my top values! Horrible horible feelings!
for my family, my girfriend, my loving friend and most of all...
for my family, my girfriend, my loving friend and most of all...
...for myself,
all the way, till God calls me.
"all in your mind" - SISPEC ASLC Platoon Commander (Commando).
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